So over the weekend I was feeling like crap, not sick just sick of me. I was feeling down so all I could think about was how useless I am, how worthless I was for wallowing in self pity. Today I’ve decided to stop beating myself up about it and accept the fact that sometimes it’s okay to be sad.
I’ve been through a lot during the last couple of years and I’m not going to just magically be fine and dandy. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that getting a roof over my head is just a step on the road to recovery. The important thing for me is to keep taking little steps forward rather than back.
Today I had brief conversations with three different people, I did a couple of job applications and wrote a couple of paragraphs in my book. I may not have done anything life changing but it was a little step forward. Tomorrow I’ll try and do something else positive, if I do then good, if I don’t then that’s okay too. There is always another tomorrow.
So I’m going to try to stop punishing myself for not being all I can be. For now it’s enough that I’m safe, secure and able to see that there may be a future for me.
A wonderful family friendly discworld book by Terry Pratchett. This book retells the story of the pied piper with a hilarious twist.
In this version of the story the rats involved are intelligent and the piper is their human accomplice. They are all ultimately controlled by a devious talking cat who is trying to earn money for his retirement. But they are about to do the pied piper scam once too often in a village that has sinister things going on.
This delightful book, while aimed at a younger crowd, can be enjoyed by everyone.
Treats in the post today from Sarah Hewlett (@hewlett100). Sarah managed to send two tops that are a perfect fit despite not knowing my size which is amazing considering that I often get the wrong size when I buy my own clothes. So a big thank you to Sarah for the much needed pick me up.
So yesterday I had another interview, this time for a call centre job. I made a complete mess of it and utterly humiliated myself.
I’ve always been a little awkward. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt that I was slightly out of sync when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Sometimes it’s been worse than others, like everyone I have my good and bad days. However spending so long being homeless and not interacting with people on a day to day basis has made my awkwardness far worse than it ever was.
I find that when I’m forced to interact with people I’ll often space out and not respond because I’m not sure what I should be saying. Other times I will be aware of this and over compensate by talking without first engaging my brain, making me appear stupid. Yesterday at the interview I managed to do both of these things at different points.
I’ve never before been told at an interview that I’m not right for a job, usually they say they will be in touch and then reject you by letter. The woman at the interview, whose name I forgot within seconds of being told it, asked me how I would be able to talk to customers when I could barely talk to her.
The experience was incredibly embarrassing and left me feeling like an idiot for the rest of the day.
I’ve got to keep on looking for a job because I desperately want a regular life. I’m going to keep at it until I get things right. I’m going to have to get better at pretending to be normal so that eventually I will actually be normal.
This whole thing hit me pretty hard, mainly I think, because I’ve been feeling so positive recently. I suppose that it’s when you are feeling indestructible that life chooses to kick you in the balls. Maybe it’s just that pride comes before a fall.
Trudi Canavan is a fabulous Australian writer with a wonderful feel for world building. With the black magician trilogy she has created an incredible, believable world whose injustices somewhat mirror our own.
These books follow a young woman from the slums who discovers that she can do magic. In her world training as a magician is only for the rich and powerful. Naturally, this being a fantasy novel, adventure and romance lays ahead for her.
The real standout for me in this series is the development of the relationships between the characters, both romantic and otherwise. It is however a great read even if you are not a fan of love stories as it has enough danger and excitement for any fantasy reader.
So I had an interview today set up by an agency and I had butterflies all morning. I was told it was informal and just a getting to know you opportunity but it’s been a while since I’ve done this so it was still terrifying. As it turned out it was pointless and annoying.
The company was called Deeset and they only offer zero hour contracts. I know this because I have worked for them in the past and they are just awful. They do merchandising for a bunch of different shops all around the country. They call you up when they have work and expect you to travel anywhere in the country at short notice and work what is usually a night shift of 10-12 hours. You do this work for minimum wage and it can be weeks between calls so you have no job security.
Zero hour contracts are a blight on this country and they are becoming more prevalent each year. Companies like this can treat their staff terribly with no repercussions. For more information about the company please read their reviews here:
Anyway I’m glad that I went because now I don’t think I’ll be as nervous in wherever my next interview might be.
A story about a humble boy finding that he has great power and a mysterious destiny should be a rather dull cliché in a fantasy novel but J V Jones is such a remarkable writer that the formula feels fresh and believable.
This is the first part of a brilliant and beautiful trilogy. The best thing about these books are that the main characters are so wonderfully realised. They are all heroic in their own ways and also so deeply flawed that they feel like real people but thrust into extraordinary circumstances.
I strongly recommend getting hold of this book and I’m positive that you will want to read more. The only downside is that because she writes such intricate pieces it can take years between volumes. This first trilogy is complete however so there is no reason not to read and love this series.